ok, well, it's been a while, I'm sure since I've written on this thing. hmm what's happened recently. Well, I think the first thing was grad party. super bad ass and cool. a lot of people who I expected to show wasn't there, and in turn, a lot of people who I didn't expect to show up were there, and some people came that I didn't even invite which was nutty. haha.

ummm, hmmm, the movie is about halfway done. I got the credits done already though, it took a while but I got EVERYONE who helped and acted credited, even my assistants and horse trainer, and catorers yes, we got catored. haha! umm, been hangin out with the dudes, just chillin, getting the crew together, plus 4 or 5 girls, goin skinny dippin. sometimes it can be weird, sometimes it's halarious!

umm, I went to the hospital a couple of weeks ago...my heart gave out on me and I had to be rushed to the ER. I didn't tell anybody this before now, so nobody freak out, I'm fine. The doctors diagnosed me with a disease, I forgot what it's called, but they assured me I wouldn't be living a full life...actually the one person I tried calling, well, like, idk, you hear that, and it takes a lot out of you. You try and do whatever it takes for you to calm down...well, I called only one person maybe, 5 or 6 times in a two day period...but they never answered...I didn't want to leave a message, thats not what you want to leave a message about...plus, I mean, they don't have thier own phone...idk, now that I look back, it was kinda dumb, but at that point, I reached out to the only person who I thought could possibly comfort me. Well, they never replied, but thats ok. I got over it myself. I'm fine.

I've been working a lot lately. I'm trying to get a band going. I've been talking to a record producer based out of Des Moines, he does slipknot...he wants to help me out, I just need to get a band going.

well, the adventures never seem to end over here. I hope everyone has a kick ass sunday, I know I will! and fuckin take care! WOO!

-blevins

what the fuck happened. I mean, I know, looking back on everything what happened, but things are just so fucked right now. It's so weird. She's always one step ahead of me. She likes me, later, I like her. She loves me, later I love her. She wants to have sex, later, I want to have sex, she starts getting annoyed, I later begin to be annoyed, She hates me, I later begin to hate her. Right now, I belive we're both on the let's hate each other page. idk if she pulls out of it, I might follow. I hate her so much...but it's hard because I love her. I guess thats true love. I know she loves me too...and I actually, out of everything we've been through, all the fighting, yelling, belittlement, defamation of character, and everything else, I feel bad that she'll always remember me, her first love, as a total asshole. I'm ok with that, it doesn't phase me at all...but I know it will stop, I guess, I guess honestly, she just remembers the fact that I was an amazing boyfriend. I know she wont remember that part...but I was...just like she was an amazing gf, for the time being. Now we can't stand each other...she shows up and makes me miserable, I try and shame her. It's all this huge immature mind game. It's pretty gay. Oh well, I'll come out of it. It's not going to matter here in a while, I'll just forget about her and stop trying to hurt her, because I got a date this friday, and she's really cute and I'm so excited! She totally seems like a keeper. Oh well...I guess...I guess I'll just end this with saying one last thing.

Samantha, I'll always love you, despite everything I've done to you and you've done to me. You're truly a beautiful person, expecially without that make-up on. Whoever you find will be a lucky lucky guy, if you treat him as good as you treated me. You have your life planned out, and not only does that impress me, it makes me proud. I hate you with every bone in my body...but I'll grow out of that, just as you will...and as hard as it is for me to say, I'm only 3 hours away down in college, and if you ever need me for anything, I'll always have my cell phone on. You have to understand that I think you're an awful person, but you're always gonna be my baby, my princess, my beautiful Samantha. What used to make me smile about you makes me frown, I'm sure you feel the same way about me, but maybe one of these days we'll both grow up and realize that it's ok to be friends...as long as we don't melt in each other's arms...I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you. I love you.

Ok, so I'm officially going insane. I can't freakin sleep. Idk why, all I know is, is that I've never like, actually lost sleep over something before. Maybe it's the stress of graduation, or the financial loans, or idk what it is, but like, it got to a point last week where I couldn't stand it anymore and tried to end it. well, i was unsuccessful which is good, trust me, it's good, but like, holy crap, It still bothers me. for the last two nights I've been going to bed at 10, falling asleep at 12 and waking up at 3...yeah, definately a buzz kill, even, like one weekends. then one must ask themselves on a saturday, what am I going to do for the next 9 hours until my friends wake up. I don't know. It's really really really really gay actually. I just want to like, try and sleep. shit. I can't even take sleep aids for it. It's really homo. I'm sure I'll snap out of it though later. I just got to get through all this stress of ending school.